Trust your gut. [Could I be cheesier?!]
Ever since I was little, staying at home for too long would get me down. I would feel sad, depressed and like it was the end of the world or my happiness.
Both as a 6-year-old or as a 29-year-old, when I didn't [or don't] get enough time outside I feel like crying... And then crying a little more while looking at myself in the mirror like a pathetic person that has nothing solved in life. Yeah, I accept it - I feel sorry for myself sometimes. But, after those short sobs, I feel like some weight has been lifted off of me.
My mom, the smart woman that she is, was the one who started picking up on the queues: this little girl needs to leave the house every single f*$! day or she will drive one of us crazy.
But today, I need to take myself out. I've been sick all week trying to avoid the cold/autumn London breeze, I've been feeding myself horribly and I only managed to exercise once before my lungs felt like coming out from my mouth from all the coughing. In conclusion, I haven't done anything for myself this week aside from starting to write again and read from time to time.
So, what was the feeling that clouded my mind today while not feeling 100% and after being locked in for a week?
Do you really want to know what it was? Well, here it is: I've gained 4 kilos since I moved to London [LOL].
I've never been the kind to care or complain about weight. I've never been the kind to look at myself in the mirror and feel disappointed. I've never been the kind to feel unsexy. But now that I'm outside of that place of comfort and privilege where I don't feel or look like myself, I understand that feeling. And this new feeling doesn't make me happy.
The more I think about it, the more I understand that it hurts me because that's not how I've seen myself before or how others have perceived me before. I'm not feeling like myself at all because I broke my own stereotype by not caring enough when I had to. My recent bad habits are now visible and somehow I can't shake it off until I get the 4 kg off. I miss how confident I felt about myself in underwear 8 months ago!
I mean, I made the decision to not care or to focus my energy on other things and this is where it's come. So now, all I have is to remind myself that I can always start again. I can start caring as many times as I want, but this time I want it to stick. I need to do it for myself so I can feel confident again. So I can feel sexy again.
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